Nevy's mommy

Sometimes the snow comes down in June
Sometimes the sun goes 'round the moon
I see the passion in your eyes
Sometimes it's all a big surprise
'Cause there was a time when all I did was wish
You'd tell me this was love
It's not the way I hoped or how I planned
But somehow it's enough

And now we're standing face to face
Isn't this world a crazy place
Just when I thought our chance had passed
You go and save the best for last


I forgot how cold it can be up north. Its been so long since I've been anywhere but here. Minus the hurricane, but we only went to Georgia then. But it was nice to take a vacation. I haven't taken one in years and it was nice to get away. It was a little birthday gift to myself and Nevy, or at least thats how I try to justify it in my head.

It was Nevy's first time on a plane. I thought she would be cranky and act up. But she was really well behaved (thankfully!) and she slept the entire drive from Niagara Falls to Toronto. And then we got to see Hayden.

He looked just as great as ever. Oh my goodness. And even though our cookies aren't as good as his cookies I think he was glad to get them. And it was amazing to see him and his family.

It makes me miss when everyone was here. When I had people to talk to all the time. When Logan was here to protect me or Jace was here to talk to. I even miss talking to AJ all the time. Now everyone has their own lives and I'm well... here. Maybe I should have gone away to school. But then I think I'd feel guilty. Leaving the grents after all they've done for me. And I guess it probably would have been bad for Nev's psyche for us to up and move somewhere else. Somewhere where we knew no one. And I doubt anyone read these entries before but I probably double-ly doubt them now. But every once in a while I like reading everyone elses. So I figure why not. Plus its something to talk to that isn't nevy or the grents. And since I have no one to gush about my trip to besides the person I went to visit, which could be silly, its nice to here.

I started a dance class again. I'm taking it for credit. So I think maybe thats why. I haven't really danced since the last time I was up north. I think maybe its time.

Everything in this world works out like its supposed to. I'm sure someday I'll look back and go 'oh. thats why I stayed here' even if its hecka boring now. Is there anyone left in keywest that would like to do something? Anyone?

I couldn't think of a good traveling song.

So I did one of the first crazy spontaneous things I've ever done. After I missed my birthday and it seemed like no one else cared either, though I really really appreciate the good wishes from those that did. <3 thank you! I talked to Holly. We made up a little plan to go to Toronto. Luckily Nev and I have our passports now so getting over the boarder is no problem.

I dont know I'm kind of excited. We haven't been to Canada in ages. Actually Nevy has never been! So it will be exciting. And I haven't seen Hayden in months...and I really miss him sometimes. He has no idea we're coming. So it should be a ton of fun to surprise him! I really am excited. I tried to think of things to pack to see him but the only things I could think of were sugar cookies and I hope he makes us some himself!

I have Nevy's halloween costume all done so I will be back before halloween! We are going with the fairy-fireman-princess. But I also found the most adorable cat outfit so she might just wear that to pre-k that day.

Anyway does anyone else want a visit while we're out of town!

I never know what to write anymore. Mostly because all I do is the same thing every day. I wake up, I run with Nevy, we play, we go to school, we go to work, we come home, we play, we do classwork, we go to bed. Thats pretty much it day in and day out. But right now I'm just...exhausted.

Like the last week or so I go to bed super early and sleep in later. I even have those moments where I feel like to tired to even breath. Jace says its probably since I didn't take a vacation after graduation, I went right to work. I haven't really had a vacation in like...3 and a half years. I think during October break nevy and I are getting out of here for a little while. We'll go to...I don't even know where. Someplace that isn't here and just...relax.

G-ma has been trying to get me to use the spa at the country club. But, I don't know. I don't want some stranger rubbing me down. But it does sound really amazing...and pretty relaxing. I don't know I might.

I've also promised people care packages, like Jace, and Kenzie, and Dalton. And I havn't delivered yet. Mostly because I've been too full of fail.

Well... the break between classes is over guys. So I have to go. I'll write again soon. <3

I got another IM from him last night. Its like they always happen when I don't expect it, when I'm happy and content. It started off the normal way, me telling him to shut up, him saying we were all going to hell, all of us including Nevaeh because she was a bastard. I told him how I didnt think of him every day, and he said I must when I look at Nevy. I must see his face when I see her. And I don't. God blessed me enough that I dont see him in her face, I dont see him in her eyes. And he said I will. Soon enough I will. And soon enough she'd be a slut just like I am.

But those werent the worst parts of the conversation. It always strikes me hard when I hear how evil he can be, how evil the world can be. I asked if he was out raising hell and he said he had the perfect way too right in front of him. I thought it was talking to me, but apparently not. He said he had someone else, some drugged out girl in front of him. And it was my fault. That I could have saved her if I took her place. That he was raping her because he wasnt raping me. Is it my fault? I dont know. Should I have said fine, fuck me again? I know its to make me feel guilty. Feel guilty I couldn't save her. I don't want someone broken like I am, I dont want someone to feel like I felt, like I feel. But I dont want to be hurt again. I told him they would catch him, I told him maybe she would say something. And he said that he wasnt stupid enough to give his name, wasnt stupid enough to not use a condom. That those things were only for me, that I was the only one stupid enough not to tell that it was my fault he could do this to other girls. Evil triumphs when good men do nothing...and I've done alot of nothing I guess. I told him I would go today and tell the police. Tell them what he did. Its been 4 years though, almost. Would anyone believe me? He says if I did it back home he's already told the cops Im crazy, that I'm a liar.

I'm scared. I'm scared to tell someone for real. Im scared to look those people in the eye and tell them what he did to me. To tell them it is my fault that he's been with other girls. How many? How many were like me, sweet and innocent, that he broke too? I feel helpless I feel tiny. And I wish I had Logan to go with, but he's traveling. I'll ask the Grents to go. Right after I tell them too. Fuck Im scared, fuck this is hard. Fuck I said fuck. I...dont know. I dont know what to do. When they wont believe me, when they ask why it took so long, when they say it is my fault that he hurt all these other girls. I hate it, I hate him. I hope he goes to jail and I hope that some guy does to him what he's done to me and all these other people. Or what if hes bluffing. What if he hasnt hurt anyone else and hes saying it so I'll freak out and tell the cops and that little part will make them not believe me. If I lie about him hurting other girls then i must be lying about what he did to me. That Im using that word as an excuse for having Nevy out of wedlock, to make up for my sins.

Maybe I need to stop at church first. Beg god for some strength.

And I need a sitter. Someone, please. And as bad parenting as cole admits it is, I have to ask here because i dont know who else to ask. So please please dont be a psycho.

I hate that feeling you get when you think something bad is coming. That feeling of dread that runs through your entire body but that lingering voice in your mind that tells you you're just being silly. I was laying in bed last night after talking to Cole and it was quiet, too quiet. And I kept thinking how its been so quiet lately, the calm before the storm.

I can't even hear the traffic outside my house because I keep the windows locked now. I have ever since that night in february when he snuck inside them. I shouldnt have to, I shouldn't have to feel all OCD when I check the windows at least twice at night. I shouldn't have to worry if I left them open, I should be able to sleep with my windows open if I want. But I can't. Because even if it sucks it keeps him out, or at least makes it harder for him to get in.

I've been taking those self defense classes for a while now, two days a week. But sometimes I feel like it won't do any good if I see him again. When he said he was in the baby's room, when I came in and he was there, holding the golf club I did and tried to swing at him didn't work. How is my body supposed to fend him off when that was what he wanted? Wants? But its worth a try, it does make me feel a little safer, hoping I could take him if I needed to.

It...scares me that Logan is half way across the world. Logan is far away, I haven't really talked to AJ in a while (which I hope changes, I miss him) and Adrian is well...gone. What would I do if he came back again? Adrian probably saved me that night, since if he didn't hear him show up feeling his tongue against my breasts probably would have been the least of it. But Adrian got the heck out of here, which is good considering things, but still. And Logan and AJ always make me feel safe, with the weeks I spent shuffled between their houses. Who would be there if he came back again?

I think too much, I worry too much, I know all that. But he is the one thing I'll always be irrational about. After that night back home I never slept in my bed again, I slept on the floor every night for months because I couldn't bear remembering the springs against my back anymore. And now I worry when I don't hear from him even if not hearing from him is what I want.

Maybe I'll call in sick and spend the day back in bed with the baby.

Well Im not saying its right or its wrong but maybe its the only way talk about your revolution its independence day

So I feel like I am far past due for an update here. But I'm seriously lacking anything useful at all to say these days. Ever since graduation things have been pretty darn boring. I've spent alot of time working, volunteering to help set up the vacation bible school at my church, and spending as much time with Nevaeh as possible. I havent seen much of Logan or really anyone else since school ended, mostly because I've been clocking in some seriously long hours.

One of the things we've made alot of progress on since school ended, we meaning Nevaeh and I, is potty training. Months ago we got the toilets that play songs when you pee into them and those along with those pull ups that turn colors when they're wet, and the potty dance that pull ups shows we're making some major progress on the issue. Its still really hard when we go out anywhere, especially like if she comes to work with me since i cant always carry the potty everywhere. But we dont have as many accidents at home anymore. Its exciting, to see her passing another milestone. It makes me feel old. Old to know my baby is potty training. In the fall when I start school she'll be three and starting daycare. The years go by so quickly... its so crazy.

Besides that today we had a cookout, just me and nevy and the g-rents. Gpa made this spiked watermelon thing and mmh. Is it good. He insisted I tried some, and about three glasses later well...I cant even think of what else to write in this thing right now besides to talk about how good it was. And soon we'll see the fireworks. I love fireworks. Back home we have a 4th of july parade and carnival and then fireworks, I sort of miss that alot. But...things change right? Right. At least here we can go out onto the beach whenever we'd like :) I really like that. Gil that means you still have to teach me to swim and I'll teach you to bake. And GABE. you still owe me a round of bowling! (and some air guitarage) Talk to everyone soon! Happy forth of july everyone <3<3

Today we graduate. Today we'll hear our names calledand we;ll walk across that stage and we'll get our diplomas and this next chapter in our lives will be done. I dont have a song to try to think for this today, so much is going on in my head that its so hard to wrap around. But I dont want to end this chapter in my life without getting certain things off my chest.

Today is supposed to be one of the most important moments of my life and again two of the people that were supposed to be the most important people in my life won't be there. I should get used t it, since they werent there the time when my daughter was born, they weren't there when I needed them. As much as I want them there today it doesn't matter as much as the two people that showed me what unconditional love is are sitting there. It doesnt matter as much as the fact my little girls going to be there clapping her tiny hands and cheering for her mommy. And its more than I could ever ask for, how proud I am of what Im doing today because I know it will only help her too, it will only make her proud too.

Its supposed to be the end of something today, and the start of something as well. And I cant see my life going anywhere further if I stay stuck in the past, stuck in my head like I always do. I need to move on. I dont want to live the rest of my life keeping the secrets that I already keep. I want more, I want better. They've already destroyed so much of my life, so much of what it was and what it could have been keeping secrets.

Its a day we're supposed to become adults, graduation, a rite of passage just like turning 18 and getting the right to vote. A day we turn from children to grownups. But for me that came one February day when I was 14. I talk alot about choice. We all have a choice. Carrying Nevy to term and keeping her was a choice. Not having an abortion and losing my parents because of it was a choice. I made a choice to date a boy that I thought I loved when I could have dated his brother instead, thats hindsight of course, knowing what I know now. I've made alot of choices but the one I didnt have is probably the most important. I didn't get to decide when to have sex. I wanted to wait till marriage but I guess he didn't. And one day while watching Pretty Woman, a movie that used to be my favorite, he took away every ounce of faith and trust and innocents and my childhood I had left. He changed my life, reminded me anyone can do evil, and reaffirmed for me that something so wonderful could come out of something so bad. He made me hate myself, he made me hate my body, hate god for letting it happen. And even if Jacinda says I'm not broken, just fragile, I feel like i am. Because there are days I cant look at myself in the mirror, days I cant forget the feel of him inside me, the taste of him on my lips, the feel of cotton in my mouth. Days I look at my daughter and I thank god that she doesnt look a thing like him. I cant even bring myself to say that word sometimes. Because it means people know...it means he could find out that I've said it. And hes already been here this year. To celebrate our 'anniversary' he was in my daughters room. How am I supposed to deal with that again? When he ran his tongue over my skin again. Id lay down my life for her, I would. I hate that saying that word puts us in danger again. But then again maybe none of you will believe me. I doubt anyone at home would. Thats why I dont talk to anyone here, because im scared. Because I had friends back then, before, and they all turned on me. I couldnt handle it again. And I pushed everyone away. So Im sorry guys.... im really sorry I wasnt the best person in our senior class and I didnt talk to half of you. Maybe that can change sometime. I know its all one big paragraph now... and its all one jumbled mess with probably run on sentences and spelling errors and for once i dont care. I should probably say what i was supposed to say. They say that confession cures the soul. And even if I might be to afraid to tell anyone in person maybe I can say it in cyber space and have it come what may. I was raped tegesta. Wow... that word makes my stomach churn writing it. I was raped... My daughters a product of that. Thats why I think we should be able to chose to carry a child like that to term if we want to. Because I know that fear and I know that shame and maybe i was strong enough to do it but it was because i had to. She didnt have to pay for my sins, her fathers sins. I was raped and it ruined me.

But I wont let it ruin me anymore. Today starts my future. Today starts hopefully not being as scared except maybe about him learning i told...

yeah.

So its mothers day and I finally got my presents. Oh my gosh, can you say totally adorable?!?!

( Tiny little hands and feet! In my garden! )


( Tiny little hands and feet! On my plates!!!! )

I didn't know my baby was such an artist! I even got a mug with her picture on it, and another plate with a drawing she made of me and her. Its so cute!!!

When you're hurt you heal others.
When you're in need you give.
Because of you I am living the most that I can live.

Oh, sweet darling girl
I'm so glad you found me.
Oh, sweet darling girl
Your power surrounds me.

Yesterday was mothers' day (as we all know, obviously!) and I have to say it is one of my favorite days of the year. Its like christmas or my birthday. I get presents...I mean that makes every day a little happier doesn't it?

So As I was telling Auggie on Saturday night, Nevy and g-ma locked me in my room saturday morning so I couldn't see what they were making. It was cute, Nevy ran upstairs when I was trying to study and her hand went on the door knob and she goes "Mama! Tay!" before shutting the door on me. After a few minutes of standing there in shock I obviously had to go and see what was up! Only to have them meet me on the bottom of the stairs and have nevy point up them again "Mama! No! You tay!" so of course I had to go back up stairs. It was worth it though. I got some pretty awesome gifts. They made a stepping stone with nevy's hands on it. And a few keep sake plates. I'm a sucker for those things. And if I remember I'll try to post them later. I'm just to busy at the moment, since I should do actual studying in the library instead of blogging :-x. Woops. But I felt I should reflect on being a mom (even if I do that like...every entry) and how much I love it. I really do. She's just too cute for words sometimes. We're trying to get her signed up for preschool for the fall. That makes me so nervous. It means she's growing up so fast. Soon she'll be a teenager and I'll be old. I don't want her to grow up, I want her to stay cute and little and adorable forever.

So um, does it terrify anyone else that we're getting fitted for caps and gowns soon. I think I might freak out. That means there isn't much time left before the big day. Uggg... I feel so beyond stressed out. Especially when I have no idea what I'm going to do after this. Anyone else in the same boat? We should start a club.

They are also starting 2-4-tuesdays at the diner this week (yeah...I didn't make up the name so shh). Which means that if you buy one dessert you get one free. You really should NOT pass that up! They make the best hot fudge sundaes ever.

Oh and Lennon. I have a gift for you for your first mothers day...I just have to sort of find it first. :-x

Have a great day everyone!!

( Pain throws you heart to the ground Love turns the whole thing around No, it won't all go the way, it should But I know the heart of life is good You know it's nothing new Bad news never had good timing Then the circle of your friends Will defend the silver lining- a private letter to one Hayden Sorrell )

( He's got jelly beans for tommy colored eggs for sister sue... Dying easter Eggs with Nevaeh )

So I repeat myself alot, which is probably why people thing I'm like...the most boring person in Tegesta. Which in all honesty is probably true. I don't really talk about much. I talk about my daughter, I talk about my work, I write about my daughter, I write about my work, and like every entry I talk about how I cant find the right songs for what I want to do. And then every song is pretty much the same sort of song. It's either a country song, or a Michael Tolcher song, or lately a Matt Nathanson song. Because I get stuck in a funk, because I don't listen to anything else, because I am boring. Its even the same songs I constantly listen to on Pandora, because I dont know what else to listen to or what else to do.

I got these books last year, the end of last year, that I shared with Dalton, about all these things to do before you died. I really think my life needs a change. I have the rest of my life to be in this rut. The rest of my life where all my days blur together and each one is like the last. Not that that is what I want in my life, and even now it isn't exactly like that. But sometimes I feel to old. Way way to old.

This ol' highway's getting longer
Seems there ain't no end in sight
To sleep would be best, but I just can't afford to rest
I've got to ride in Denver tomorrow night
And the white line's getting longer and the saddle's getting cold
I'm much too young to feel this damn old
All my cards are on the table with no ace left in the hole
I'm much too young to feel this damn old


Maybe its fear that keeps me from doing the things I want to do. Fear a past I cant run from will repeat itself again, even if I have more faith in humanity than that. But still I fear. Or I feel like I don't deserve better than this. Like my entire life should be dedicated to my daughter, every second, every breath should be about her. G-ma and G-pa tell me I cant lose myself in her. But when you get to that point in your life when really the one thing that kept you alive was her, how can I not. I dont think I've ever lived my life for myself. I lived up to my parents expectations, I was the daughter they thought I should be, and I failed. Whether or not the fault was entirely mine is a different story. But I failed to live the life they wanted and I have this one now, living for her. How do you become the person you want to be, you are meant to be if you never knew that person to begin with. I say I want to be the person I was before her, but Honestly...I don't really think I liked that person either. Yes, I was happy then, not that Im not happy now, but it was a different happy. I was happy but looking back it seems all entirely...fake.

I tell everyone that they need to find their bliss, that one thing that makes them happy. I tell that to Adrian all the time, and he always turns it back on me, saying it can't be Nevaeh. Its like saying your bliss is a drug, it shouldnt be a person, it shouldn't be something that changes the way your mind works. It should be something you can do, painting, swimming, dancing, loving, I don't really know. I need to find mine again. I found joy in dancing before, and again thats another repeat of phrases, another repeat of thoughts. I loved it and now I find myself dreading class sometimes. But I suck it up and I go, hoping one day it just makes me feel like it used to.

So I started this new thing, where every day I do something for myself. I bought self tanning lotion...well lotion that makes you darker after a week. I know I live in florida why do I need that?! But I dont want to get skin cancer and I can't tan with gobs of suntan lotion! So every night after Nevaeh goes to bed and after homework is done I take a nice long shower, and then I put the lotion on and brush my teeth and then go to bed. Every morning I wake up and try to see if my skin looks darker, not that Im not a little dark to begin with. Its silly but it makes me feel pretty, I've never spent money on something so trivial before. But its nice. Of course the lotion isn't all I do. Tomorrow I plan on painting one of the walls in my room. I want new colors, new light. Hopefully this will work.

Tegesta, whats one thing you want to do before you die?!
I want to sky dive.

I can't even pick a song.  No song means anything.  No song is enough to make light of what happened.  He was here HE was here.  He was here in my house, through my window, in my daughters room.    And he was there.  He was here.  He was here in my house with his hands around my wrists and saying how it was going to be just like last time.  Grinding himself against me, and I could feel him just like I could the last time.   I tried to fight guys, I did, I swear I did.  But it wasn't enough, and its never enough.  And he stood there with his hand around my throat, his lips on my breasts again.  And my jeans open.   He almost did it again, I kneed him.  And he ran and then Adrian showed up.  

He knows where I live now.  And nothing is stopping him from coming back again.  And he says he wouldn't stop at anything to have what he wants.  And he wants...I dont even know what he wants.  And if he can hurt me he can hurt you guys and i dont want him to but I need you here. I need to feel safe and I need to feel secure and I....

No place is safe now.  Not even my house.  What if he can follow me?  To your houses, to...school, to work, anywhere.  He said he had been following me all day.  Maybe...Maybe I should go visit Hayden.  Canada is far away.  He wont know Im there.  Maybe he isnt here anymore and he went back home.  Maybe...I dont even know.

I just know I havent been this scared in a long time.  AJ I hope you come soon maybe then I can sleep a little.  Maybe.  

maybe.

( I gotta find a new solution For all of the ghosts that keep haunting me I gotta get some absolution For all I failed to be So here's to the love The love that we had Here's to the time The good and the bad Here's to the ones you never forget Here's to the year that we had ... )

Say anything <3

I plan on saying nifty things to everyones own say anything later....but work calls <3

Since apparently my ambig post didnt mean anything (besides dalt agreeing its a good song!).  What the hell ever happened to 'do not judge lest you be judged'.  Last time I checked not a single one of us had a right to say what was right or what was wrong for someone else to do when it comes to really serious issues.  Sometimes there is a grey area.  Sometimes there are things that are never truely right and never truely wrong.  And maybe Im judging thinking like that.   But we simply don't know.  We arent there at every moment of conception, we arent in the heads of every person that contemplates having an abortion.  There are situations sometimes that maybe make it okay.  that make it a little less bad, that make it a little easier to justify.  I just dont get where any of us get off on saying we know whats right or whats wrong or whats best for anyone.   Some of us havent been there yet, we havent been pregnant or don;t have children.  And even if we do our pregnancies are nothing alike, our children are nothing alike, our circumstances of conception are nothing alike.  Some of us might never have kids.  Some of us like people of the same sex so we're def. never going to have kids biologically all of ours...unless you're a woman and do AS.  

You know I sat in a clinic when I was 14.  And I was faced with that choice.  And I chose that decision that was right for me at that time.  But I can see both sides.  I can see what my life would have been like if I had walked into that room.  I can see the plus and I can see the minus.  And I know all my reasons I would have gone with it.  And I made my decision and every day when I look at my daughter I know I made the decision that was right for me.  And not a single person here, in this school, in this state, in this country, in this world has a right to judge what I did or what I didn't do.   I dont judge a damn person in this school.  I worry,a lot, about what might happen if what we all believe or i believe or you believe is wrong.  But I dont condem.  If I worry you're going to hell I worry I'm going to hell.   Not a single one of you has a right to judge anyone.  Especially about this.  And it would be nice if you all shut up about things you're never going to understand if you havent been there.    Because you've never fucking been me and I've never fucking been you and you will never ever know my life.  and you will never ever understand what was in my heart and my head that day.  And you wont do it for anyone else that ever walks through those doors or sits on those tables or takes those pills.  Or does anything.

So just all lay the fuck off.  And live your lives the best you can.  I know I have to follow that true, but I know I'll try.

( I don't have as distinguished of a name as my brother. But I'm just as cute! )

( Look its a baby picture :) Ascher picked it out for me today. Hmm...baby worthy lyrics- Oh I can't believe my eyes, My daughter. Oh my angel and my pride. )